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Dan Speers

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Aphorisms and Epigrams 

 

   All Epigrams written and copyright by Dan Speers. Other than short quotes for reviews, permission and/or licensing is required for use, including commercial use.

Contact for anthologies, collections and reprints and repostings.

Previous Epigrams

     If a little knowledge is dangerous,

     Then a whole bunch of folks are safe enough.

 

        Losing weight requires exercise,

        Like skipping the burgers and fries.

 

        Classic meals are thought out,

        Easy ones are thawed out

 

        Though conflicts in marriage abound,

        Most of the tiffs are really sound.

 

        Some who are self-medicated,

        Soon become self-deadicate.

 

       We keep our hair neatly parted,

        Except for the part departed.

 

        Truth is a mirror of reality,

        Where some see an ass, some see history.       

 

        I've never seen much point in sin,

        Without trying it now and then.

 

        No one really needs any help,

        When it comes to fooling oneself.

 

        If my weight I cannot change it

        At least I'd like to re-ar-range it.

 

        Exotic clubs in Rome now trend,

        You have to be XXI to attend.

 

        If it weren't for the the music scene,

       What's called dancing would be obscene.

 

       Killing germs is a vodka benefit

       If you can get the germs to drink it.

 

       Stores sel sexy clothes I suspect,

       Modeled by girls too young for sex.

 

       I grow older (gray hair and stuff),

       Although I'm already old enough

  

       Placating an ex who is pensive  

       Makes the divorce less expensive.

 

       An optimist is annually agog,

       At the pictures in a seed catalog

 

        At rainbow's end no gold I got;  

       I searched, but only found the pot.

 

       The prime of life is not well timed,           

       It takes me longer to get primed.

 

       A new geometry diet has found 

       Three squares a day (+ pi)

                              will make you round.

 

       All that the lazy have to do,           

       Is wait for nothing else to do.

 

       Living life is so exquisite,

       I know, having living life with it.

 

      Comparing virtues and vices,

      Virtue's nice, but vices spices.

 

       Procrastination is the way,           

       To finish yesterday today.

 

        Order is the dichotomy,

        That coexists with liberty.

 

        The one thing knowledge is all about,

         Is not the knowing, but the doubt.

 

       When asked to give to charity

        Many people stop at nothing.

 

       How you dress hints what you may be,           

       Your speech reveals with certainty.

 

       Memory's what you think you've got,

      To recall what you have forgot. 

 

       To greet intelligent life out there,           

       We might need intelligent life here.

http://su.pr/7J1VZy

 

     I grow more virtuous with age.

       --Too tired to otherwise engage. 

 

        One can put off most luxuries.

        Until your neighbor shows you his. 

 

        Slowing your aging takes dedication,

        Not to mention misrepresentation.

 

       Wine decreases inhibitions,

        And increases exhibitions.

 

        Talk too much and you are a bore,

        Listen too little -- you bore more.

 

       You can drink like a fish and thrive,

        If like a fish you swim, not drive.

 

        Something from nothing sometimes works,

        Which accounts for some famous jerks.

 

         A bull market inspires some fears,

         That your best tips are just bum steers.

 

       Weather forecasts are easy to scoff at,

       But then, weather forecasts are non-prophet.

 

       Your home hides a secret, which is,

       It's where you can scratch what itches.

 

          A dumb question may not be great,

          But better than a dumb mistake.

 

          It's well we begin as a cell,

          But not end up in one as well.

 

         Reaching a dead end is the illusion,

         That any approach has a conclusion.

 

         Shakespeare's words and mine haven't changed,

         What differs is how they're arranged.

 

        Demonizing humans

        Makes humans demons.

 

        You can buy friends you think are nice,

         But they are never worth the price.

 

          Why, when I am a departee,

          I then find my best repartee?

 

          Choice: Be patient on the pedal,

          Or: Patient in the hospital.

 

          What the future holds is unsure;

           But you alone hold your future.

 

          Stomach's no way to a man's heart,

          That trip involves another part.

 

           The future's not that far away,

          A small part of it came today.

  

          A day off is its own reward,

         Though getting it back's very hard.

  

          If you're at sea, you can prevail.

          Don't pray for wind; learn how to sail.

--A reprise from Sharpened Speers

 

          If putting down others is your nature,

         Then, you will never increase in stature. 

  

          No matter the past you confess,

          Right now, your future's still spotless.

 

          I was fine in the hospital,

          But my wallet went critical. 

 

          No gift is yours until you deliver.

         Your thanks and gratitude to the giver.

 

           If you are going nowhere, then

          You have reached your destination. 

  

          No matter how high sits the throne.

          It's still your behind you're sitting on.

 

          To rise to the top, the cream hast 

          Need to separate from its past. 

  

          The more important my affair.

          The less cooperative my hair.

 

          What the quest for knowledge is all about. 

          Is not knowing all, but learning to doubt. 

 

          No rain, no rainbows? What a dud. 

         What I think is, no rain, no mud. 

 

          To rely on the past for clues

          Makes the future the facts you choose.

   

          Your conversation shows brillance, 

          When lit by flashes of silence.

 

          With proper care and absent crime, 

          Our bodies should last a lifetim

  

          Although freedom of speech is grand, 

          I think supplies exceed demand.

 

          For a talent to benefit, 

          What matters is how you use it.

 

          Gossips have no hesitation, 

          With mouth-to-mouth recitation.

   

           I've never met a fanatic, 

          Who's as sane as a lunatic.

 

          Stay quiet and someone is bound, 

          To assume that you are profound.

  

          Self-made men make great theater, 

          When they worship their creator.

 

          The weaker is the argument, 

          The angrier the temperament.

 

          It is when we're doing nothing,

         That we're free to do anything.

 

          One's reliance on imagination, 

          Is no excuse for procrastination.

 

         When we harm others, that harm pales,

         Against the harm we do ourselves.

 

         To avoid all reality, 

         Simply indulge in self-pity

 

         Having birthdays annually,

         Will no doubt be the death of me..

 

          I try to see the good in all of us, 

          But I guess my eyesight's not what it was.

 

         Given today's high food prices,

         I put my money where my mouth is..

        

         Of a husband she's now riddant;

         Says he said, "I do," but didn't.

 

         Granddad harnessed his horse back then;

         Now, a seatbelt straps humans in.

--Horse Laughs from Farmer Hicks.

        

         There has to be a better way

         Than getting up to start the day.

  

         Now that it's past, what did you do,

         Yesterday that today's a coup?

 

         Opportunities have a quirk,

         They're often disguised as hard work.

  

         When money changes hands, it's true

         That money changes people, too.

 

         Burial costs are increasing;

         Blame it on the cost of living.

 

         At my age, flirting helps restore,

        What it was I was flirting for.

 

          Work hard to overcome duress,

          Harder to overcome success.

 

          I rise up each day sans regrets, 

          Regardless of how hard it gets.

 

          I need a name / For whom to blame.

 

         Most people my age, thankfully,

         Seem to be much older than me.

  

    House guests always give pleaure strong

    Both when they come, and when they're gone.

 

          Nothing that you never say,

          Can never hurt you any way.

  

           What is the point in suicide,

           If time commits the homicide?

 

          We're all born ignorant, it's true,

          It's stupidity we accrue.

  

           Some start with nothing -- not a whit,

           And manage to keep most of it.

  

          The triumphs of success endure,

          Written on the backs of failure

 

            For my birthday, if you please,

           Leave the aging to wine and cheese.

 

           Two ends we have, to sit, to think,

          The trouble comes when both ends stink.

 

           Self-made men make great theater,

           If they worship their creator.

   

           In these times, an apple a day,

           Cost a lot more than the co-pay.

  

           Character is your destiny,

           Reputation, your history.

 

           To live in peace, it is simplest,

           Never to shake hands with a fist.

 

           Bad judgement hones experience,

           Experience hones good judgement.

 

           One's procrastination

           Trumps imagination.

 

           Our friends know us during prosperity,

           We know our friends during adversity.

--with a nod to John Churton Collins

 

           Should you find yourself  fallen ill,

           Don't put your doctor in your will. 

--I've said it before, I'll say it again

 

           Weightlifitng cannot start too soon;

           Just don't start with a fork and spoon.

 

          What is tiring today / Was easy yesterday.

 

          When young, my dreams were all visions,

          Older now, my dreams, revisions.

  

          The arrival of the New Year,

          Means survival of this one's here.

    

          Whether you see a friend or a foe,

          Depends upon whom you mirror.

 

         Those who think they are explaining,

          Are most probably just complaining.

 

         Vanity, while blind to itself,

          Sees the faults in everyone else.

 

          By ortho and hetero I'm bored,

          It depends on whose doxy's gored.

 

          When approaching sex, best go slow,

          It's how you come, not how you go.

 

         Leave your weight / On the plate.

 

         Perhaps more internal than external,

         The search for happiness is eternal.

 

        Horse sense keeps horses in their place;

        They don't bet on the human race.

 

       Careful driving you can rehearse;

       Careless driving just needs one hearse.

 

       Folks may boast their diet's success;

       I find shutting your mouth works best.

   

     Want your car to last a lifetime, you say?

     Try speeding and reckless driving each day.

     

     Man is the superior animal,

     But milking machines still require a cow.

 

            Every day a battle we wage,

            Just to live to our current age

 

           You cannot use ability,

           Without responsibility.

 

     I have been told that age comes with wisdom,

     From what I see, I think age comes alone.

 

           Raising the voice /Lowers the choice.

 

    When airlines charge per bag and some per cup,

    The cost of going up is going up.

 

           I would not mind living my youth again,

           Especiallly since I was much younger then.

 

           While Yuletime spreads holiday cheers,

           Most of our own spreading is in arrears.

 

           Guns and hunters all do just fine,

           When not loaded at the same time.

 

           "No question," she said demurely,

           "I turned forty prematurely."

 

           Although I grow old with apprehension, 

           I stay young with Miss Representation.

 

            Driving safely turns out futile

           When mouth's in gear, brain's in neutral.

 

           To rise to the top, cream has to

           Fully separate from its past.

  

           Driving safely turns out futile

           When mouth's in gear, brain's in neutral.

 

           To rise to the top, cream has to

           Fully separate from its past.

 

           Love poems require both sex and food,

           Since what we eat inspires the mood.

 

           Age comes with wisdom , it's well known,

           Although for some, age comes alone.

 

           Growing old has one commonality

           No one is as old as he hopes to be.

 

            All that the lazy have to do 

           Is wait for nothing left to do.

 

           Alchoholics don't drink too much; 

          Trouble is, they can't drink enough.

 

            America turns out great men;

            Some, we could turn out more often.

 

           Middle age is over and done,

           When you're too damn old to die young.

      

           Saying what's on your mind is fun,

           But it doesn't prove you have one.

 

          Advice is fine, example is stronger,

          But a good scare sure lasts a lot longer.

 

          It's wise advice to know oneself,

         Wiser to keep it to yourself

 

         Punctuality is pointless 

         Unless someone there's a witness.

 

         If the top of the world appeals to you,

        Those folks eat blubber, live in an igloo.

 

         Reckless driving gives you the chance

         To take a ride in an ambulance.

 

           Jealousy's shade divides the bed,       

           Between self-love and self-hatred.

     

           Over time my mind's becoming brilliant,       

           But,alas, my body's less resilient.

 

           The fishing is better, I do believe,       

           Before I arrive and after I leave.

 

           At what age is it, I wonder,       

           When we think we look younger.

 

           We find germs on money, I'd bet,       

           Although I'm not sick of it yet.

 

           The more we earn,       

           The more we yearn.

 

           Little things don't keep me awake,       

           They grew up; have their own heartache.

 

      Drinking never harmed me a bit,       

     It was not knowing when to quit.

 

     My travel guide, where I look

     Happens to be my checkbook.

 

      I always try to pack and cram,

      AsmuchasIcaninanepigram.

 

     No desire has the fire,

     Of the desire for desire.

 

     To mind your business, I'd guess,         

     You need a mind--and a business.

   

      The times I get so much behind         

      Are when I have no ends in mind.

    

      Driving tip from one survivor:         

      Your car's as drunk as the driver.

 

       Once your middle age had begun              

       You are now to old to die young.

  

       When a cheek and kiss come to pass              

       It's either love, or kissing ass. 

 

       The best way to lose weight    

       Is leave it on the plate.      

 

       With charitible donations,

        Most people stop at nothing.

 

        Inside a stone is a statue;    

        Inside an ego, there is you.

 

        Getting ahead is easy done,

        Providing you can start with one.

Rattle of the Sexes

     Times are tough, so says my honey,

     Claims there's more month than there's money.

 

     Treat love as a democracy,

     And you will have adultery.

 

     The key to art is sex and food,           

     Eating something creates the mood.

 

     Monogamy and bigamy,

     Both can mean one wife too many.

   

    "Stop lying," his wife suggestions.

    "Then," he suggests, "don't ask questions." 

 

     My finances are in complete discord,

     My neighbor's buying stuff I can't afford.

 

     She said, I am bisexual.

     He said, the feeling's mutual.

 

     He, she, me and whatever,

     Bisexuals come together.

 

           She claimed divorce was mutual:

           With him muted, she won the dual.

 

           Those who say they're bisexual,

           Claim their feelings are mutual.

  

           We made love that endless summer,

           We were young, and death, a rumor.

 

            Between a man and a woman some see,

            The pleasures of bisexuality

            If, of course, the man and woman agree.

 

     Jealousy is a product of,

     A richly undeserved self-love.

 

     To make your marriage a mutual bond,

     Know when to stay mute

                             and when to respond.

 

    The heart commits perjury,

    When love turns to jealousy.

 

    The difference between men and boys,

    Some will say is the price of their toys;

    The truth is, it's the tools he enjoys.

 

    Men almost never lie,

   Except when there alive. 

 

    Research shows when taking Xanex,

    That if you sneeze, you can climax,

    Which comes in the end to wise cracks.

 

    My wife shows the most concentration,

    When she is me-deep in conversation. 

 

    Instinct is what my wife has got,

    Tells her she's right and that I'm not. 

 

   When a mistress marries her man,

   Her old job opens up again.

 --a position not lost on Oscar Wilde

 

   A married man is quick to find,

   His wife has done made up his mind. 

 

   Someday, I will be laid to rest,

    But these days, to get laid, I rest.

 

    Cosmetics peaked in the Middle Ages

    --Same thing's true in today's middle ages. 

 

   For those who see marriage as fulfilling,

   The cooing is followed by the billing.

     

   The stomach's no way to his heart.

   That trip involves another part.

 

    Instinct is what your wife has got,

    That says she's right and you are not.

 

    Joint checking is a husband-wife composite.

    She writes the checks, he makes the deposits.

 

    Rose bouquets are always applauded,

    If the prick with them can be avoided.

 

   Whenever a man says he needs some space,

   Chances are, it's at someone else's place.

 

Boogie, boogie . . .

 

    He or she,  s/he, whatever,

    Bisexuals come together.

 

    Dancing is imitating vertically,

    What is much more fun horizontally.

 

     A woman's mind is interesting to him,

    When what it's interested in, is him.  

 

   Dress well to attract a husband,

   Undress well to keep him in hand.

 

   On the one hand, true love is tragedy,

   On the other hand, it is comedy.

 

  How many loves must we subvert,

  When it's ourselves we want to hurt.

 

  Grandfather's face spoke history,

  Grandmother's portrayed mystery.

  

  Bisexuals have no need to be shy,

  They like girls as much as the next guy.

 

     It's easy for men their age to admit,

     What's really hard is for men to act it.

 

  Through thick and thin, our marriage vow.

   Backwards, it's been: Thin, then. Thick, now.

 

   I still love my wife, confirm this I will,       

   After all these years, I do love her still.

--The stiller, the better.

   

Dream Girl Sticker Shock . . .
If there's no price on her sticker,
You should never try to dicker.
The scent of love . . .
 
     I find the lure of perfume uncanny
     Most on women who aren't wearing any.
  

     I said to my wife, my dear, our budget

     We need to go over. --No need to fret,

     She said. We've already gone over it.

 

    Playing hard to get was his sense

    Of what to her was just indifference.

 

     Don't take rebuffs personally,
     G
irls who say 'No' may proper be,
     But gay may be just as likely.

 

     A successful marriage requires

     Unctious partners who are liars.

 

     Sex in and of itself is fine,

     Only dogma calls sex a crime.

 

    No stomach leads to a man's heart,

    That trip involves another part.

 

A Small Conceit

    Poetry is how I comprehend,

    Painting a portrait on the wind.

  

    It was another dull affair,

    Except, of course, when I was there.

- with a nod to Alexander Dumas

 

    All I know for a certainty,

    Is I'm one possibility.

  

    If living in a roman à clef,

    The purpose of life reads as life itself.

  

    Ignorance is not half the bliss

    Ignoring the ignorant is.

 

   Except for a tiny bit of ourselves,

  The universe is everything else.

 

   By one short dash our lives are known,

   Found between dates on a tombstone.

 

  Keeping up pretenses is such a bore,

  It doesn't seem natural anymore.

 

  Self-criticism just will never do --

  Your friends do it so much better than you.

 

  Folks are saying I look so young.

   Damn. When older did I become?

 

  Celebrated a birthday Wilde

  And though beguyled, no charges filed.

--on Oscar Wilde's birthday.

 

 


 

It is fascinating how some

Numbers can add up to some sum.

              


Our health when good is trivial

When bad, what's trivial is vital.

Opinion is a shadow of prejudice . . .

  Only a cynic,

  Cannot begin it.

 

  The mind that is the most easily bought

  Is that which mistakes opinion for thought.

 

  One should not display all one owns;

  It's trees filled with fruit that draws stones.

 --Based on a French proverb

 

  One must work hard to overcome duress;

  Even harder to overcome success.

 

      Making enemies is a simple thing.

      Express an opinion -- on anything.

 

      All we need for ignorance to survive,

      Is to simply keep traditions alive.

 

 No harm to your reputation is done,

 Without it's you who provides the weapon.

 

  Why are those pleasures most pleasurable

  Always those pleasures most regrettable?

 

  Seems for most who ask my advice,

  Words of approval will suffice

 

  Lives rich in beauty, love and strength,

    Are measured in depth, not in length.    

 

    Prosperity has many friends,

    Saying hello with outstretched hands.

 

    I think some things we find hilarious,

    Would spark anger if happening to us.

 

    Fate is a mountain we must climb,

    Not something that we hide behind.

 

    Mind-numbing to reach the age whence,

    Your friends start numbering your sins.

 

    Mistakes make all the difference,

    If they're used for experience.

 

   Searching for youth we seek doctors clever,

  Though doctors also don't live forever.

 

    Those who think that money is everything,

    Are those who'll for money do anything.

 

    Why do bores to tears bring us near,

    When it's ourselves we want to hear?

   

   For bores, their ears are not bereft,

   It's their tongues that keep them deaf.

 

    A heap of woe might go missing,

    With less talking, more listening.

 

              The sins we commit may shame us,

              If they don't first make us famous.

 

       To determine a man's vices,

          See what virtues he advises. 

 

          Lies never seem to much matter,

          To the person the lies flatter. 

 

          Humans have no need for devils,

         We can do just as bad ourselves.

 

         Many of those who take their time,

          Forget they're also taking mine. 

 

         Procrastination is the way,

         To finish yesterday, today.  

 

         There is this measure of progress,

         He who stands for more, falls for less. 

 

         Money still talks in any store

         But it makes less cents than before. 

 

         It's better to tomorrow to delay

         Making the mess you almost made today.  

 

         One way to take off weight?

         Don't take it off the plate.

 

         The less that's in the pot,

         The faster it gets hot.  

 

         Be sure to drive fast and reckless,

         To get your hospital breakfast.

 

         We don't hear half of what we hear,

         And what we hear, we little care,

         Unless it's what we overhear. 

 

         Making a fool of yourself hurts,

        Not knowing who did it is worse.

 

         Beneath a large ego you find,

         Quite often a very small mind.

 

         They say man has conquered the air,

         Sure, what with cell phones everywhere.      

 

         Financially, I'm getting gored,

         --Neighbors buy stuff I can't afford.

 

         Three square meals a day has been found,

         A leading cause for turning round.

 

        Odd how increased earnings,

        Lead to increased yearnings.

 

   It isn't destiny that shapes our ends,

   But too much food and too few deep knee bends.

 

       Careful driving you can rehearse,

       Careless driving just needs a hearse. 

 

       I'm not admitting I procrastinate

       But today's calendar has last year's date.

 

      Charm is what we show

      To make others glow. 

 

       Fine wine and food I had to taste.

       Sadly, it has all gone to waist.

 

       For stirring passages I look,

       No further than a fine cookbook.

 

       Fame is grand when at long last you win it,

       But try to borrow a grand against it. 

 

       Those who plead lack of imagination

       Seem hell-bent to give a demonstration.

 

       Humor reveals our secrets best;

       Many a truth is said in jest.

 

      The ultimate truth we achieve

      When we know what not to believe.

 

      With a quarrel, inevitably,

      Truth is the first casualty.

 

      The friend who lies for you today,

      May well tomorrow, you betray.

 

      Two things reveal a man's measure,

      One success; the other, failure.

 

      We ran so hard we left behind,

      The youth we tried so hard to find.

 

      No matter where a river starts,

      It's on its own when it departs.

 

      Poor leaders come as no surprise,

      Dead fish to the top also rise.   

 

       Fastest way to lose a fortune?

       Simply spend as if you had one.

 

       Almost no one needs any help,

       When it comes to fooling oneself.

 

        Experience is what one makes,

        Of life's successes - and mistakes


 

The Poor Farmer Hicks Almanac  

     Which came first should not be a shock,

     No chicken nor egg has a lock,

     In the barn, it's always the cock. 

 

     About my chicken, I had a notion,

     Crossing the road was poultry in motion.

 

     Never mind the necessities

     I can get by with the luxuries.

 

     Chicken or egg, which was first? Or

     Was it most likely the rooster?

 

     One cock is sufficient per each ten hens;

     But then, it isn't the eggs he's laying.

 

    More advice from Farmer Hicks:

          It's time to cull the non-layers

     And replace them all with young chicks.

Farmer Hicks says . . .

     despite what's wrought by man,

Heredity is nature's back-up plan.

     Even sour milk can please

     If it is turned into cheese. 

 

     We pick the beans and eat what we can,

     But, of course, what we can't we can

  

     Unless there's plenty to keep you busy,

     There's simply no point in being lazy.

 

    Farmer Hicks wonders how

    DNA makes a cow.

 

Some Other Observations

 

       To greet intelligent life out there,           

       We might need intelligent life here.

http://su.pr/7J1VZy

 

       Memory's what you think you've got,

       To recall what you have forgot.

 

           If, at first, you have no success,             

           At least you're like the rest of us.

 

            To make money last, some are cursed,

            By the need for making it first.

   

            Running into debt has sorrows,             

            Like running into creditors.

 

            Everyone needs something to love,

            To do, hope for, be worthy of .

 

             Earning a living I don't shirk

            But most jobs seem to involve work.

 

            Loose nuts call for car maintenance;

           Tight nuts will need an ambulance.

 

           Idle rumors you will find            

            Are always the busiest kind.

 

           The richer a man is at death            

           The poorer the life he has left.

 

           Mind hasty quips in what you say;

          Your short-comings are on display.

 

          To get ahead . . . Use your head.

 

          I've always had the same talents,

          But what's changed is my diligence.

 

           Magic appears truly magic

           Until, of course, we learn the trick.

 

          Why is it, when we master some passion,

          Turns out, it is no longer in fashion.

 

         Truth is a mirror of reality;

         Some see an ass, some history.

 

         Unless one tries, nothing is done;

         No fight begun, no battle won.

   

         Why do those who are explaining,

         Sound as if they are complaining.

 

         You're apt to bulge / If you indulge.

        

        Being well fed / Is sure wide spread.

 

        Love thy neighbor should cause no strife,

        Unless that love involves his wife.

 

        If you really must be absent,        

        Seek forgiveness with a present.

 

        Polite society persists,

        In believing that it exists.

 

     I think it's time we admitted,

     Life is sexually transmitted.

 

      Amnesia makes deja vu such a bore,

     You forget that you forgot this before.

 

     If a little knowledge is dangerous,

     Then a whole bunch of folks are safe enough.

Naturist Epigrams  

    Nudists have little fashion mind,

    What they sport is mostly behind. 

 

    Some nudist dress codes are valid,

    At lunch, dressing's allowed

                                               -- on the salad.

 

     When it comes to choosing clothing,

      A nudist will stop at nothing.

 

      Drawing a new nudist gift card         

      Is fun, but parts of it are hard.

 

       People in clothes rely on shrugs,

       While the nudists give real bare hugs.

 

        Organic is how a nudist lives,           

        All natural, no additives.

 

        Pity those who are closed minded,

        Since nudists are not clothes minded.

 

        Sleeping naked is breath-taking,

        When comes the nude awakening.

  

        I'm not telling tales out of school,

       But nudist tails I'm told are cool.

 

       Nudists say you should never scoff,

       At giving your clothes a day off.

 

       Going nude will reveal your ends,

       And you'll see much more of your friends.

 

       Nudists hail the right to bare arms,

       And legs and chests and other charms.

 

      If it weren't a question of taste,

      I'd say what I eat goes to waist.

 

      Nudism is no fashion trend,

      But it does come out in the end.

 

     Fashion causes no nudist doubt 

     Since there's nothing to talk about.

 

      What's second hand to a nudist, 

      Is what shows the time on a wrist.

 

     Most nudists take their vacations,

     Unsuited for all occasions.

 

     You can be naked and modest;

     If nude, pretend not to notice.

 

     Though naturists have latitude

     We draw no lines on being nude.

   

     Naturists wear next to nothing,

     Since we see the nothing wears thin.

 

     I could beat the heat at a nude affair,

     But hang it all, I have nothing to wear.

 

     Being nude can be a plus,

    There isn't much to discuss.

 

    To have more fun than you can bear,

    Try having fun when you are bare.

 

   To a naturist, nudity

    Is seeing less the more you see.

 

    Nudists dress properly for each affair;

    No need to fret about what not to wear. 

 

    Go as nudist to next affair

    No worries on what not to wear.

 

Nude is natural . . .

 

   Going naked is normal, nudists say.

   Could likely be true. We're all born that way. 

 

   Nudists don't need a fashion sense,

   What is most in fashion isn't.

  

   When my love says she has nothing to wear,

   I see nothing wrong with what isn't there.

 

   Clothing does not a nudist scare,

   Next to nothing is all they wear.

 

   Nudist men hang out together,

   Mostly during sunny weather.

 

Let a smile be your umbrella. . .

 

   A nudist isn't naked all the while--
   One doesn't need clothing to wear a smile.
  

   One way to sort out your house guests, 

   Is to tell them that you're nudists,

   Some won't show, which is to the best 

   Since those who do add lots of zest.

 

   A bear when bare is just bear there;

   When I'm bare, I'm bare everywhere.

  -- http://ow.ly/1oOqV

 

On the Lighter Side

    They say destiny shapes our ends.            

    I think it's too few deep knee bends. 

 

     My proctologist, a religious friend,

     Says he foresees salvation in the end.

 

     Taking it with you is not the care, 

     It's keeping it while you're here.

 

     I had perfect body and mind,

    'Til my stomach met my behind

 

    When a kiss and cheek come to pass,

    It's either grace, or kissing ass. 

 

   It isn't destiny that shapes,

   Our ends--but candies, pies and cakes. 

 

   I get drunk after just one drink,

   It's the eleventh one, I think.

 

   Should you find yourself fallen ill,

   Don't put your doctor in your will. 

 

  Turns out growing old is smarter,

  Tried growing young; it's much harder.

 

   What my dog adds in his daily caper,

   Is more of the same to the newspaper.

 

       Munching snacks,

       Stretches slacks.

 

   Any way to set an alarm,

   For when I'm ready for the morn?

 

   As every new parent is learning still,

   The stork's a bird with a very big bill.

 

   Staying poor is an easy niche,

   Just live your life as if you're rich.

 

   Watch out for cars in a school zone,

    Especially those students own.

 

Here's an idea . . .

 

        It's easy to say what you think;

        Just open your mouth, insert drink.

 

  Nothing in the world is entirely strange,

  Given what time and whiskey can arrange.

 

  Here's a fun fact that's often omitted,

  Life itself is sexually transmitted.

      

       Your eyes reflect your inner core,

       But your mouth reveals even more.

 

     Laziness, when truly inspired,

    Needs to rest before growing tired 

  --Dedicated to Jules Renard 

 

      Dancing is imitating vertically,

      What is much more fun horizontally.

 

  I am certain my cats think and reason,

  They think nothing of committing treason.

 

      I think birthdays, if you please,

      Should leave aging to wine and cheese.

 

  Those who rely on abstinence,

  Are often parents nine months hence.

 

  No matter what ten-week diet I choose,

  Ten weeks is about all I ever lose.

    

  Fast food is what defines our  fate,

  Life is now hurry up and weight.  

 

 

 


 

  Wacky News   

 

    The storm erupted wild like no other,

   Mother Nature really is a mother . . ..

 

--Finally got power back after four days

of damaged roofs, fallen trees,

spoiled food and a flooded basement

 


      Odds and Ends    

Today, I, you, tomorrow will be,

Just as you, tomorrow will be me.

  An August Lament

I stand on the edge of sea

Looking olut. But all I can see

Is the sea. Looking back at me.

     --from Inconsonants, Possibly Welsh

Requiem for a Star

 

In nature's perfect universe

Parallel lines remain discrete,

Yet Michael Jackson found the verse

Where black and white could long last meet.

 "Requiem for a Star" published 2009 at MJFC,

Michael Jackson Fan Club, www.mjfanclub.net

 

Imagine . . .

 

Imagine being able,

     To imagine

The unimaginable.

 

I say we must spare no expense;

Study reincarnation since,

After all, we only live once.

 

Life after death is not a benefit,

If other people are enjoying it.

 

Beware that what you get for free,

Is likely worthless--or costly.

 

Many a fine guest I have known,

But best were those who stayed at home.

 

No need to heed your enemies' critique,

Whatever they say, your friends will repeat.

 

Religion is that which makes you believe, 

That God works through 

                  the vaccine you receive.

 

 The greater the uncertainty,

 The more dogmatic the certainty.

 

 I'm told virtue is its own reward

 Easy when rich, but when poor, hard. 

 

 It is freedom's religious obsession

To freely choose its own oppression.

 

      To justify the good they spurn,

      The righteous to religion turn.

 

Why are the principles for which men die

Easier to fight for than to live by?

 In memory of Ted Kennedy and all he represented, Watch this.

 

How weird is this  . . . ?

 

    Weird how weird beliefs always seem to find,

    The truly weird with a truly weird mind.

 

    It is the small disappointments,

    That fuel the biggest arguments.

 

   Ask yourself when chatting face to face,

   Would you tell the truth in their place?

 

  That which causes ecstasy,

  Instead of pain is quantity.

 

  To improve the world and all that's in it,

   Start with yourself before you begin it.

 

   Mediocrity meets the test

   Of always being at its best.

 

   The bone of contention one hears about

   Lies between the quarrelers' ears no doubt.

 

  Populations are the most dense

  From the neck up, some of us sense.

 

 When leaders fall, don't pause to scoff;

 Take up where the footprints leave off.

 

  We should not overlook the irony

  That politicians and shows on TV

  Are both selected by Democracy.  

--Did someone say, "Majority rules?" 

Or, "The lowest common denominator is 'fools.'"

 

 

    A single tour in life is implicit,

   Life comes with only one roundtrip ticket. 

 --and we've already used the first half.

 


 

Beware the helping hand . . . 

 

        Lending a hand is never rash,

        Unless that hand is full of cash.

 

       Having too little, we accept,

       Not having enough, we object.

 

      Nothing that you never say,

      Can hurt you in any way.

 

      Friends know us in prosperity,

      We know friends in adversity.

 

     The past spent, the future priceless,

     Today's best buy is happiness.

 

      Inside a stone, a statue;

      Inside an ego, a you.

 

      When you honor diversity,

      You honor what's you uniquely.

--Dedicated to Kiera O'Brien "Stand Up! Ireland's LGBT Awareness Week" http://princesswordplay.wordpress.com/

 

     If pressure distracts from your goal,

     Recall what pressure does to coal.

 

     You'll save the marriage if you save requests

     To discuss your marriage 'till your inquest.

 

     To appear wise beyond your years,

     Close your mouth and open your ears.

 

     Opinions half wrought are awkward,

     Like periscopes in a graveyard.

 

     Those talking about me behind my back,

     Have a nice view of my ass looking back.

 

      Forgetting all, you cannot do,

      Lest you risk all, forgetting you.

 

      Between good and bad I've been had

      Sleep better good, live better bad.

 

      Where as yet no answers appear

      There lives superstition and fear.

 

      Where as yet no answers appear

      There lives superstition and fear.

 

      It's when I am doing nothing

      That I'm free to do anything.

 

      Without means to sustain living,

      There is no meaning to living.

 

     The times I get so far behind

     Are when I have no end in mind.

 

     Facts do not hide from being discovered,

    They wait in plain sight to be uncovered.

 

   Once your middle age has begun,

   You can no longer die young.

 

    An empty space can hold a lot;

   What is depends on what is not.

 

    To find life's answers, one questions

    The journeys, not destinations. 

 

    An event is half the experience,

   Learning from it makes up the difference. 

 

         Most who want to be somebody,

         Must miss the point of parody.

 

          Some may see it as definance,

          But no one can misquote silence.    

 

          Science enlightens,

         Art enlivens.  

 

         To understand a man's vices,

         See what virtues he advises.

 

          Memory is the wistful thought

          You can recall what you've forgot. 

 

           Everyone who has yet to die might give,

          Thought to the fact that they have yet to live.

 

          The pessimist longs for his plight,

          If only to prove himself right.    

 

  Some waste theirs lives rushing without pauses,

 Toward suicide by natural causes. 

 

         An optimist shops in the hope,

         Of finding a ripe canteloupe.    

 

         There's really no need to fudge it,

         Some dreams are nipped in the budget.

 

          Munching snacks,

          Stretches slacks. 

 

         A single tour is implicit,

         Since life is a one-way ticket.

 

         Politics and religion are brothers,

        To convince ourselves, we persuade others.

                     --with a nod to The Letters of Junius 1769-1771

 

         The double entendre works like a dream,

         When it really means what it doesn't mean. 

 

          Careful driving you can rehearse,

          Careless driving just takes one hearse.

 

          Death is merely the door,

          To what she was before.

 

          Few speeches match the eloquence,

          Of exquisitely timed silence.

 

          If for the right time you do wait,

         Then you're already much too late.

 

          No question that dumb luck exists,

         What else explains my foe's success?

 

          A chip on one's shoulder is said,

         To be a sure sign of a knothead.

  

          Living long is good, so we're told,

          Except that part about getting old.

      

          Speaking too late what's on one's mind,

          Almost always shows one's behind.

 

         Those who have yet to die, might give,

         Time to live the life they have yet to live.

 

          Lives are lived as imitations,

         To survive life's limitations.

 

          I've never seen much point in sin,

         Without trying it now and then.

 

          We all have a fault that endures,

          Mine is that I recognize yours.

 

          Moderation, for what it's worth,

          Inspires the dullest lives on earth.

   

          If you're at sea, you can prevail.

          Don't pray for wind; learn how to sail.

--A London reprise from Sharpened Speers

 

         When old, forever is simply

         Not as long as it used to be.

--something noticed by Joseph Prescott as well 

 

      The optimist of naive mind

          Thinks a ripe cateloupe he'll find.

 

  Opportunity is the assumption,

  Although what's knocking may be temptation.

 

     Efficiencies most obvious,

     Often border on obnoxious.

--Tip of the Hat to Kin Hubbard..

 

    He who comes out on top is called 

     A success. --Either that or bald.

 

    This poet thinks a living wage,

     Should be by adage, not per page.