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Dan Speers

Citizen Poet
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The primaries have come and gone,
And here again, the loser won.
In this last primary season,
Puns, poems and irony
Traced GOP hyprocrisy,
But while t'was rhyme, t'was no reason. 

  The 2012 primary season with its array of eccentric and oafish Republican candidates for the Presidency with their politically polarized and often outlandish rightwing statements was a boon to writers of comedy and satire.


  I had set my own goal of writing at least one of those satirical, political epigrams I call PunDittys each day, and quickly discovered that these amusing little plays on words and puns were practically writing themselves.


Newt and Rick,

Mitt and Rick,

Herman and Ron,

Michele and Jon,

All were fodder,

As was Thaddeus McCotter.


  And what the candidates themselves didn't create, FOX News was sure to step in and generate their own brand of misinformation.


  As you read these PunDitties written in the heat of the 2012 Republican primary season, think back over the winter and spring and all the jokes that made the news. You might even recall what some of the comedians had to say back then as well.


Paul Ryan's plan Mitt endorses,

Shows he favors Trojan horses.


Mitt forgot what he didn't say;

Had put his Etch-a-Sketch away.


Mitt calls for a leadership stand,

To pass the buck on Afghanistan.




What folks want, Romney says he knows,

Though to those folks, he can't get close.


Mitt's massive mansion has finished basement

For hiding riches and embarrasment.


Romney is the"turn-around" guy.

Yep. Every truth turns out a lie.



Bin Ladin is now dead and gone;

While General Motors lives on.



Since Romney's Bain owns Clear Channel,

He will not give Lush Lamebrain hell.


What a coward Romney turns out,

He and Bain let Lush Lamebrain spout.


Lush Lamebrain attacks young co-ed,

Making him the chief doo-doo head.


Romney thinks American dreams

Of his friends who own NASCAR teams.



Romney thinks America backs

His Mustang; wife's two Cadillacs.


Romney addresed his little crowd.

Trouble is, he spoke out loud.


Franklin Graham's latest brain trauma:

Muslims got a free pass from Obama.

--Yeah. Like that pass to Hell for Osama.


Santorum has no awareness

That some believe that God of his

Approves of killing fetuses.


An aspirin between the knees makes,

For Santorum some real headaches.


Should Rick Santorum rethink his comment

That Tea Party's a "bottoms-up" movement?


Santorum's on top in latest poll

The irony here is quite droll.


Romney wins straw vote by a nose

But on which face, nobody knows.


Romney's best face is troublesome,

He has so many to choose from.



Mitt say poor must the burden share,

If poor need breath, he'll rent them air.



That polytheist, Mitt Romney,

Challenges Newt's theocracy.



Rick Santorum is gaining fast,

He may be first to be the last.


Rich Mitt Romney's prosperity,

Requires the poor's austerity.


PolitiFact tells its own lie,

Hides call for Medicare to die.


Iowa follows its own mind

Always a little bit behind.


Surveys show what Fox News won't show:

The more you see, the less you know.


Herman Cain pulled out when news got rough

Wife said it wasn't soon enough.


Newt Gingrich is surging ahead,

Has a big lead, and a big head.


Herman Cain's reconsidering,

Is he diddling or dithering?


Museum bans Bill O'Reilly's book

Because of the "liberties" it took.

FOX FactFree Zone -


Herman Cain: God told him to run.

How'd he know that God was the one?


God told his wife, Santorum said,

That He wanted Rick to get ahead.

At least, that's what she thought He said.


Herman Cain calls Kochs his brothers

Same black hearts; different mothers.


Herman Cain says "high-tech lynching."

It's really just low-tech wenching.


An impish stance Rick Perry struck;

Of strange speech, we ask: What the puck?


Mitt Romney straddles north and south,

He's putting both feet in his mouth.


Did Rick Perry's duplicity,

Complicate his simplicity?


Bachmann promises jobs galore,

If you show Obama the door.


Rick Santorum says he'll be sought,

Since his politics need no thought.


Though he hasn't yet gone for broke

Sounds like Christie is sucking Koch.


Rick Perry's star has risen far

But Christie's here, raising the bar.


GOP jerks Christie for Pres --

Not ready is the jizz he gives.

--Anybody want a Big Mac


The earth-moving Christie groundswell

Turned out was more groundless than swell.


Mitt Romney changes roles so fast,

He'd make Ben Hur a one-man cast.



Slut Slur Lush Lamebrain is so feared,

Chicken Mitt Romney's running scared.


 Mitt and Rick are fighting about

Which genuine phony wins out.


Those who would vote Republican,

Would make burqas the new fashion.


Romeny turns tail and runs away,

Gritty South not going his way.


That new Southerner Mitt Romney,

Won't denounce Limbaugh's homily.


Santorum, Newt and Romney, too,

Refuse to reject Limbaugh's view.

We need to boycott them, too.


Romney ate grits and said, "you-all,"

Lacing accent with Yankee gall.


Romney never got his spine back

To denounce Rush's coed attack.


The big news on Super Tuesday

Newt and Rick not going away,

Romney finds naught going his way.


Franklin Graham's latest brain trauma:

Muslim's got a free pass from Obama.

--Yeah. Like that pass to Hell for Osama.


Santorum's government plan

Favoring a birth control ban

Is his religious Taliban.


Mormon Bishop Romney should choose,

To end baptizing of dead Jews.


Caught Loofa Bill shriveling on SNL,

Dorian Grey got better deal.



Bob MacDonald seeks VP win,

Leading Virginia Taliban.


Christ rode ass to Jerusalem,

The ass' name was Franklin Graham.


Franklin Graham, who bore false witness,

Proved his faith is for the witless.


Romney's behind in in Michigan,

Because he opened his mouth and

Voters saw his behind again.


Romney had no clue when he spoke,

That self-deportation's a joke.


If birth control you want to ban,

Be sure to vote Republican.


Rick Santorum hates birth control,

Says that he wants to fill that hole.


Arizona Rep. Ash, Cecil

Seeks "Holiday for White People.


Newt says he's a little behind,

Not quite the size I have in mind.


Newt Gingrich says let's build a moon base,

A thought that comes from empty space.


Newt and Mitt turned on each other;

Told the truth on one another.


SC causes Mitt some friction,

Turns well-oiled machine to fiction.



Newt denies pulling wool oe'r eyes,

Must be the different yarns he tries.


Newt Gingrich is losing his base,

Ironic since it's he who's base.


Ron Paul's appeal seemingly grows,

The further back in iime he goes.


Trump sees real birth certificate

Now doubts Hawaii was a state.


Mitt Romney attacks Newt Gingrich,

His zany charge is that Newt's rich.


Bishop Romney, we barely knew ye,

A betting man, apparently
Secretly. --Fancy some coffee?


Rick Perry sports his gay attire,

To light his Brokeback Mountain fire.


Fox News gives birth to deceptions,

Giving viewers misconceptions.


Using pepper spray is questionable.

GOP claims it's a vegetable.


News panel stumps poor Herman Cain,

They started by asking his name.





Bachman claims she's shorted on air time,

Oops, this sounds like her own head line.


Rick Perry's brain just went caput;

Shot off his mouth and self in foot.


On sex charges, Herman Cain plays dumb

And when not playing, he stayed glum.



First, they said Cain wasn't Able

Now, it appears he's not stable.


Mitt Romney's problem untoward

Is: Which face does he put forward.


Rick Perry's campaign downhearted,

It stopped faster than it started.


Palin's tours are a conduit

She conducts for the fund of it.


One thing Rick Perry could not fake

Was how to make a good debate.


Rick Perry's debate did unwind

When he spoke what was on his mind.


Perry and Romney fought in vain;

Their only success: raising Cain.


Though Christie declined with brio.

His conceit was slick as Crisco.


Christie: "I didn't feel it in my gut."

So he pulled his speech from his butt.


Scott Brown pens a nice student note,

Plagarized from what Sen. Dole wrote.


Rick Perry wasn't hard to stop,

After plummeting to the top.


Rick Perry's debut peters out later,

Fails the test as a master debater.


Give public jobs, Obama says.

GOP says: "Give us your job, Pres."


The day of solidary will pass,

But #Occupy now defines the class.


Hominy grits give Romney fits,

Puts his quiddity where he sits.



Romeny has no clue it's funny

To brag he's made lots of money.



Mitt Romney whow sincerity,

In commitment to perfidy.



Chicken Romney hasn't condemned

Lush Lamebrain's attack on women.



That polytheist Mitt Romney

Thanks his gods for hominy.



Mitt says the poor have safety nets,

Which he will cut first chance he gets.


Romney shows how a rich man scores,

Getting rich from others' labors.


Mitt Romney, the Polytheist,

Swears that Newt Gingrich is the beast.


Mitt Romney, feeling defensive,

Tried to relate, but proved offensive.


Romney shows how a rich man scores,

Getting rich from others' scores.


On his campaign, Newt has no doubt

No doubt he's in, no doubt he's out.